Hearing the voice of God

I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart when I was a little girl but never truly experienced the presence of the Holy Spirit in my life until more recently. Acts 1:8 “You will receive the power of the Holy Spirit.” Where is it I thought??? Specifically, this past weekend I was revealed the power of the Holy Spirit while I was in New York City. I’ve been led to fast almost everyday this past week and as God moves in, my flesh dies down. Galatians 5:16 “So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won't be doing what your sinful nature craves.” God wanted me to fast that Sunday and every time I’m lead to fast, I know that God is going to do something miraculous! While I was visiting a church in New York City the Holy Spirit burdened my heart for the believers who were there; to specifically give them a word. I was crying so bad that I had to go blow my nose in the bathroom like 4 times! It was crazy! I have never experienced the power of God in my spirit like I did this past Sunday…where God puts the same words on your heart (over and over) and the courage to get up and speak such truth and wisdom in front of strangers! I’m a visitor and I felt so crazy! But when the spirit move me…I gotta move too!

The power of the Holy Spirit doesn’t allow you to stay in your comfort zone; it takes you to places you’ve never imagined! The Lord gave me a word to give to them: “It’s so important to encourage each other as believers in the truth about the word of God because we are living in a time where the enemy is distracting our fellow brothers and sisters with Facebook, TV, the internet, financial success and everything else. It’s so important that we live out the will of God in our lives; to tell others about Jesus dying on the cross for their sins so that they will have eternal life with our Heavenly Father. If you think about it every person won’t be able to reach the financial success which the world sees is important and it is NOT necessary that people seek such measures to live a FULL life. If you notice, these are the very things that we let into our homes and distract us from caring about the WILL of God. (John 6:40) They are time fillers and each day we may seek out something different which keeps us from hearing from our Heavenly Father.

As the spirit was moving in me, I tried to give the believers the same word that God has given me regarding the full complete life that I prayed for. I stood up as a guest along with two other people and wanted to give my testimony of experiencing a complete life in Christ. The pastor said, “I don’t know you so I can’t let you speak but lets chat after the service.” I was not offended at all that I could not speak before the church because my testimony was not about people seeing me but rather people seeing God! I was not offended because I knew I was simply taking a small step in living out God’s will for man. (Romans 12:2) I was surprised but the Holy Spirit reminded me that at the very least I was obedient enough to stand and give the people the truth about what will offer them a complete full life in Christ. I was not worried…I knew that God’s will was going to be done! Eventually later I got a chance to tell a few people about my testimony. It was an awesome experience to share the love that God has shown me on this past week of my life!

I struggled with doubts for years about God. I believed in him but I did not want to see Him. I didn’t experience the fullness of joy in the power of God in my life. I lived out my will for my life everyday after I got saved but kept getting no where. While I was walking the streets of New York City there were so many distractions that people had going on around them. God spoke, I listened: When you become comfortable in a place that glorifies the world and yourself you will be distracted from seeing me in your life. The world doesn’t help and we don’t fight to protect ourselves from the things of the world…yet the best weapon is to walk in the spirit. (John 14:16-18) The money, the fame, the nice car, the beauty of self and the list goes on. Yet God did not save us to seek out the CARES of this world. He saved us to seek out the CARES of Him and to show His love towards others as He has showed us. I didn’t fully believe: John 14:1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God^[a]; believe also in me (Jesus)” I ran away from understanding this so many times because there are so many other religions out there that also claim they believe in God yet don’t believe in the power of Jesus in their life. I was a believer in unbelief. I “missed seeing the fullness of God” because of my disbelief in the power of Jesus Christ. John 14:26 “²⁶ But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.”

The very thing that separates us from our Heavenly Father is our sins, our doubts, our disbelief, and selfish desires. How will we know that we need to be reconciled with our Heavenly Father if we do not know that we are sinners? Romans 3:23 “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” How will we know how to live a life that is full and complete (lacking nothing) in righteousness if we don’t believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins? 1 Peter 2:24 “He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.” Our disbelief (whether believer or unbeliever) in Jesus is the very thing that is holding us back from seeing the fullness of God in our lives. God spoke a powerful word as I type: 2 Chronicles 7:14 “If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.” I know for a fact that for 6 years I was a believer in unbelief! God answered countless prayers but I had to give God something in return: The things I deemed as important to holding onto in this life in return for the power of the Holy Spirit.

Oh how grateful I am (By GOD’s grace) to hear the Holy Spirit! To aid in helping others live a RICH life in Jesus Christ…so rich they don’t yearn for money or success. So rich, life is full of blessings they never prayed for. It’s like when you know something is the absolute right decision you will move forward. The Holy Spirit however will put PEOPLE on your heart to care for. If you could care less about the well being of ALL people then you may want to pray about that as GOD is LOVE. If your love for people isn’t full and complete…not being bias or partial in God’s love for them as he loved you then you may want to pray that God gives you a love for the people in your life. I pray for those who read this knowing that when Christ fills you with the Holy Spirit he will prompt you to do the will of the Father in your life everyday!

 “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).

How you answer the call

When Christ calls us, He calls us to action! We enjoy the benefits of salvation; a new life, the forgiveness of our sins, reconciliation with God (Romans 5:10), liberty, happiness and the list goes on. What then? This is the question I asked when I got saved at 19. I fasted for a whole week about my childhood dream of being an actress and God said: Write! I ran away from this so many times whether through laziness, distractions, substitutions and NOTHING positive ever came out of those decisions. Everyday the Holy Spirit prompted me to tell others about Jesus and write. I was prompted to minister to those who I came across on the street but I was so worried of what they would think of me. I occasionally gave in to my sins not realizing that my freedom in Christ was not to be used as an occasion to the flesh. (Galatians 5:13) I also didn’t realize that my fleshly desires aren’t going to die down until I FIRST walked in the spirit (Galatians 5:16). I tainted my relationships with guys that I met because I lived out a life of self righteousness everyday. I was getting by in my walk with God but I wasn’t really going anywhere. Every time I wrote I felt at peace and felt as if I was living out my purpose but I stopped believing in what God was putting on my heart to write. This time I knew when I was wrong! I couldn’t make excuses that I was too young anymore or I just didn’t know any better. I went to church (I felt bad when I missed), constantly put God second to EVERYTHING (I’m still trying to learn how to overcome this) and let each day go by feeling like I am not living out my purpose. My living in disobedience convinced me that my life was a reflection of Matt 13:22. In fact this is exactly what I identified with when I thought of my life!

Recently I’ve come to the realization that I went through exactly one whole year and a half of living each day in complete emptiness. I didn’t feel the joy that the bible said I would have (John 15:11) I moved to PA for a job and (a guy) but ended up just being alone in a small town where nothing much was going on. I couldn’t figure out why church could only feel the void (momentarily) that I was experiencing in my life. I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t find fulfillment in my job I prayed for. It didn’t make sense that I was so drawn to Facebook (when I woke up and when I went to sleep) yet felt like I was wasting my life away. I felt so uneasy with the decision to invest in the relationship I moved to PA for SO I broke that off quick! Later I would reconnect with that person and looked for their call every morning and night. I finally realized that having a man wasn’t the cure to my emptiness! I didn’t always see God in my life and my prayers felt so empty. I started to pursue an acting class to make something out of my evenings but there was so much emptiness in my time spent there. I wanted that fire back! Per previous posts that I’ve written about, God has recently showed me that I’m in this town with no friends or family for a reason. My loneliness isn’t in vain! By the grace of God I feel resilient! It has become such a blessing to hear of what God is doing in the lives of those around me. Nothing could ever compare to experiencing the presence of the fullness of God in your life! (Psalm 16:11) Especially when you make the conscious decision not to seek what you think you need to fill your emptiness.

The good news is that God never gives up on us being an advocate for Him! I prayed just a couple of weeks ago that God’s will is done in my life. I stopped making trivial requests! When I prayed for my job (a year and a half ago) I knew it was an answered prayer yet eventually ungratefulness kicked in. I know there is a reason that what our hearts desires will only make us feel like we’ve gotten what we’ve lacked at that moment. Regardless, I’ve felt way more alive in the past week than I have ever felt in my whole life of living! When you wake up knowing God has called you to assist in reconciling others with Him living in itself becomes a responsibility. (2 Corinthians 5:18) Someone once said, “I’m not a Consultant who happens to be a child of God, I am a child of God who happens to be a Consultant.” That resonates with me. Insert whatever job you have in place of Consultant. No longer do our jobs, relationships with people (including intimate relationships), or paths we go down via our day to day activities are purposeless UNLESS we miss the opportunity to fill them with purpose. We are in this together so let’s encourage each other!

Seeing the great in the wait!

Today I felt like I was in love. I’m overwhelmed by the idea that God will never leave me nor forsake me! I was literally at my desk thinking about God like I have thought about my love interests in the past. Stomach full of butterflies of knowing that I am loved well beyond what man can give. Now I’m resting in the know that I can live each NEW day differently than yesterday. It opens up the possibilities of a FULL life, a complete life. Everyday I have been going to work thinking how long is this project going to last? How long will I be here in this town where I have no friends, no family, no one I can call up and just be like…lets go do this or that? There must be a reason that I haven’t found a companion here. I was just talking to my friend yesterday about this as I don’t strongly feel lead to go anywhere without having doubts about it. Like one of the few places I can think of going to is New York and even then I know I would miss the point of what I should be chasing by chasing a guy instead of chasing God. (Matt 6:33) So I wait...IN LOVE!

As I'm waiting God brings to my remembrance, a time when a minister at my church talked about how he went a whole TWO years in a “waiting” period. He didn’t find public opportunities to deliver a sermon to people. No one wanted to hear him speak. No opportunities came up that he was lead to pursue. He was so desperate to speak. This was his calling! I’m thinking to myself, this guy? Oh no!! This is the same guy that speaks so much life regarding the word of God in thousands of people lives all over the world. This was what his career waiting period was like. During this period though he still knew he needed to serve. At conferences he would help set up the chairs and assist the setup crew. He knew that his waiting period had purpose so he humbled himself before God and served those around him. He needed to learn humility in that wait phase because his desire was to lead. Like the saying goes, “In order to be a leader one must be a great servant!” (Matt 20:26) Waiting periods aren’t the most beautiful time of our lives but they are the most necessary. It’s like when we wait in line for the bathroom and the line is long! We have to be patient as we wait because ultimately Nature is calling and we yearn to get in there and get out! This is like one of the shortest necessary times of waiting but isn't it like the most dreadful!?! We don’t want to ruin the wait with thoughts of stress and hurry...especially when we know our perspective can help in the wait.

This is exactly how life is! While we were in elementary school, we couldn't wait until we were in middle school. When we were in high school we couldn’t wait until college. When we get our careers set we can’t wait to get married. We stress about everything in between IF we are not careful. What then? Does marriage complete us? Can we come to the conclusion that we’ve arrived or have become complete in that phase in life? Are we ready for the responsibility or are we just ready to finish the phase of singleness? We yearn for the next phase in life and forget that we are unconsciously forcing time to go by in hopes for something better. Without thinking about it we waste away the wait. We don’t understand why but there is purpose in it. Doesn't growing come with everything in between and as we grow...growth doesn't disappoint us. God calls us to wait. (Psalm 27:14) God sees our hearts desires and will give us just that (Psalm 37:4) so getting what we want isn't the issue. Our waiting isn't equivalent to purposeless. It feels like a void but doesn't it mean there is more room to fill? 20 more years...or 1 more year of waiting could mean becoming the person that you never thought you'd ever be! Job waited on the Lord, got stripped from all of his riches and then everything was restored like never before! My old pastor waited to see his small church congregation multiply and when he stopped stressing about the waiting period of progress he started to see God fill the seats greatly! Usually when things are rushed you get rushed results. If our lives are Christ’s workmanship (Ephesians 2:10) then wouldn’t that mean years of waiting is part of Life's long process? We must learn why we are waiting and if God calls us to do just that then lets wait like our WHOLE life depended on it!

When man leaves

I awake and all I can think of was being at peace with God. I feel like my faith has been renewed. Okay, well at least for today. Everyday I get up looking for a phone call from a love interest but this time was different. This time I woke up with purpose and the Holy Spirit reminded me that I'm living to see today for that purpose. I enjoy the little things like showering and being able to go to work. When you have nothing going on I guess the small things matter. In reality they are huge blessings that I take advantage of!

On the way to work, Christ speaks to me, "I want you to fast". There is purpose in those small still voices from God. Reluctant to the idea, here I am. Its 11:05 am with no food since 10:00 pm last night. My body is starved but I know when I am fasting something is still filling me. I'm reminded that the fullness that Christ gives doesn't give fulfillment in bread alone but through the very power in the word of God. (Matt 4:4) Living feels full and filled because God spoke wisdom in this young life. I can't doubt what I'm trying to hear from God at this point in my life so instead of thinking about food I quiet my hunger. I walk and He leads.

I go into prayer at my desk. Interesting enough I didn't plan to pray just at that moment but I did. (When no one is watching.) Minutes later Christ gives me a scripture that fills my spirit with so much truth that no doubtful, lonely thought can challenge. There I am on Google searching for the scripture that came to mind: Joshua 1:5. It resonates: No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. I read this and even though it means no enemy will be able to defeat you, I think of any man that will ever come into my life whether friend or foe. Whether husband or ex...NO man will stand with me ALL my life. No one will be by my side through everything forever. Even if He/she is there for 10 years..people still come and go. People change. Even if they stand they may not stand tall. Not like God will. If this is true, shouldn't I give people room to be themselves, mess up and be at fault or should I fight them as if those 10 years of commitment hasn't gained them rights to failing? My truth for today...SO hard to practice.

I always want to trust man and everyone that come into my life. (Even myself) I always want to believe that they will be with me always but isn't that being oblivious to the pains of life? Even with the "good" people. This sounds bad...its like at some point expect a man to misuse you (to abuse), expect your friends to screw you over and for businesses to cheat you out of your hard earned money. I won't dare to live in such world where I'm a pessimist! Life has been too great to miss that my flaws force my life to flourish (At all), that my pains in life has made me appreciate my (presents) and that my God has used every failed opportunity in my sin to show me that He is alive and ready to rescue me. I've never heard a Man say that he will "never leave me or forsake me". Those are words worth putting on the wall and remembering during even your darkest hour...in battle with man.

My spirit is quiet and I'm so thankful! I just need peace for the day and this time I won't ruin "lonely". We have God, the Almighty God who will "never leave us or forsake us" so that we will feel complete in those moments when men aren't there to please our every need. So that we don't misunderstand what went wrong in an argument we had with someone by expecting them to be in agreement with us. Our negative thoughts are shattered because to practice faith in God doesn't take our jobs to be over. It doesn't take a compliment to the things we lack nor does it always take a broken situation. We can choose right NOW that we're going to rely on God so that when issues arise we're not ready to battle but rather "full" in battle.

An ingrate in wait

I think today I experienced the same epiphany for the one thousandth time. Why doesn't it resonate so deeply in my heart daily? "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Clearly this epiphany had to take reading such great wisdom only found in the holy book: The Bible. I can't stand that this doesn't come naturally. Am I the only one who struggles with this every day, every moment of my "lonely" life? My epiphany translated it based on my present circumstance: Depend on Christ and not on man. Put God first and man second (even myself). Why does this relate to this point in my life? Because everyday I battle with my weakness: man. I long to live in a love that completes me with a man. Isn't God greater than man? Why doesn't my heart yearn for His love daily? Some new found experiences would remind me that I'm not even close! I've read this plenty of times and yet still it rarely comes to mind when I'm in the mental stress that only Christ can rescue me from.

Saturday was a reminder. Saturday I had one of those days where I have nothing to do so I try to find something to do. (I'm sure every single woman goes through this.) I went to bath and body works for some of their latest body wash, bought my niece a gift card and went grocery shopping. Even in my blessed moment I didn't find a reason to be appreciative naturally. There was something missing. There must be something missing when you can't naturally be joyful about having the opportunity to go shopping and be a blessing to someone. This was my first weekend alone. I tried to enjoy it. I almost ruined shopping with thoughts of being alone. Where is a man when you need him I thought? When will he call me? He finally did and when he did we watched a movie together over the phone for 3 hours. I eventually almost ruined the moment I longed for with talks of old relationship issues that weren't worth discussions. I always had this view towards roommates; That if something is small its not worth a discussion. If something is old, its not worth a discussion either. I almost ruined a new day and if a day is new isn't it worth savoring? Savoring or enjoying like the new shoes we get at the store for the first time or like the new outfit we longed to have and finally wore it...once? I read in the bible once that we are to renew our minds DAILY. ReNEW like yesterday's mindset should be tossed out the window and today it must be recharged and refreshed? Out with the old, in with the new! Why can't I do the same with someone I love? Someone who willingly lets me say anything and everything that is on my mind? I guess there must come boundaries with that even. Anyway, the night goes by and I'm once again alone. No one, just me and God. I try so hard to let His words of comfort resonate in my heart and for a little while I can handle lonely.

The next day....Sunday church service is in a couple of hours and the only thing I can think of is to call this man. My mind already starts off on this brand new day with wanting company. Like the saying goes misery loves company. I don’t feel like getting out of bed. If I'm so "lonely" why can't I look forward to going to church to be around people who will gladly encourage my security in Christ? My other flaw: Laziness kicks in. I’m not really tired but too lazy to get up, get ready and head out for church...trying not to ruin the blessing that comes with having an apartment. I don’t wake up lacking the basics but I’m an ingrate in doing something small like taking care of my hygiene. God reminds me I need to make time for this and how I should embrace it. I remind myself how blessed I am to have a shower and a toilette to use in the morning. Is the enemy really trying to destroy me in my loneliness that I can't even value using what people around the world would dream to have? It can't be that bad, but getting out of your comfort zone in the morning is. This is my problem! I'm 27 and can't even get out of my comfort zone; my comfort zone of  occasionally being “lonely” to be where I know I need to be…Grateful as a single (enjoying these moments alone in peace with less responsibility as a woman). I guess Christ is trying to use me in my singleness but I will easily ruin this chapter in life without realizing it if I'm not careful. Someone once said sin is what causes us to be ungrateful. If this is true then I'm 9 times out of ten being ungrateful. Does that make being grateful something that must be practiced daily? Something that must be intentional?

Church was good. The pastor talked about faith and that's great...but what really set with me were the words: “Your faith is your shield. If you lose it, don't replace it with something less valuable for the moment.” That was nicely put. I try to relate…faith is truth in Christ while man is my substitute for what I have lost. Man who only have so many hours in a day to give me of his own. This was my truth to aid in renewing my mind for the day...

I'm done with church and done praying but where is this man that I long to talk to? I sent him a text but he wasn't available until later...like a whole 6 hours later. I waited around for him to call. Once we talked all I could do was ruin that conversation I longed for by questioning why it took so long for him to call and maybe we should decide not to expect to talk so much. He mentions, "This is why I need to be in church." Was I causing drama again? I did exactly what he expected me to do. I ruined the conversation he didn't want to have. I was watching the Kardashians later that day and something hit me. Kris was being pushed away by her husband because she always caused drama in his life. He wanted companionship but he wanted it with someone who wasn't going to nag him all day. He did just that and went golfing with another woman. Why am I slowly learning lessons in marriage before marriage? I don't want my future husband to feel like he can't talk to me and find companionship in another woman who will gladly treat him with respect. I guess when you pray about being complete, Christ focuses on teaching you things that prepares you for that next phase in your life.

 My present trial is deeper than not getting a phone call in a day. It’s realizing that my dependency is on man and not on God. Sometimes you gotta be real with yourself to deal with the issues that follow the flaw. I mean just this morning I was in prayer on my way to work and he called me. He finally calls I thought. I'm a bit excited but trying not to be. I immediately stopped praying and answered his call except his call was accidental. "Hello? Hello?" I call him back and he doesn't answer. Still haven't talked to him at all. This is exactly what God is trying to teach me. I put God second all the time. I put Him second when He deserves to be first. Isn't waiting what God calls us to do in patience? But as I wait what do I do? Why can't I appreciate having the opportunity to wait in my "loneliness"? The bible says that "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." The concept of being hopeful means that I am in wait for something. What am I waiting for? I'm waiting for what I long to have and when I get it will I savor it? Or will I ruin it like the last conversation I longed for? As I type I'm learning that my focus should be to gain strength. Strength doesn't come without going through pain and suffering and Christ calls us to be LONG suffering in LOVE. 1 Corinthians 13:4. This is where I realize that I'm operating out of selfishness instead of love because love will call me to suffer long and endure in order to love right.

These are those moments that I cannot stand! Why can't I feel complete with who I am today? Why can't I feel complete with enjoying talking to a man in a day? I do recall a prayer I made to God: Let your will be done and let my life be full and complete. (My prayer that followed a reading of James 1 by the way) All these little things here and there are a part of a completion process that only Christ can do if I let him. When someone doesn't call you back will you be in that waiting, HOPEFUL, patient mindset that gives you peace as you wait? Hope never disappoints us. (Romans 5:5) When you are in that phase in your life that feels like its been TOO long will you savor each NEW day like that new pair of shoes? Each day for us is like ONE second to God. It goes by so fast and the enemy wants us to see the waiting period as undesirable. Yet, once we get what we desire we realize its not exactly what we needed for long term fulfillment. We can lie to ourselves and believe that we shouldn't be grateful for where we are when where we are is the very place that God is using to complete us.