I think today I experienced the same epiphany for the one thousandth time.
Why doesn't it resonate so deeply in my heart daily? "Trust in the Lord
with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Clearly this
epiphany had to take reading such great wisdom only found in the holy book: The
Bible. I can't stand that this doesn't come naturally. Am I the only one who
struggles with this every day, every moment of my "lonely" life? My
epiphany translated it based on my present circumstance: Depend on Christ and
not on man. Put God first and man second (even myself). Why does this relate to
this point in my life? Because everyday I battle with my weakness: man. I long
to live in a love that completes me with a man. Isn't God greater than man? Why
doesn't my heart yearn for His love daily? Some new found experiences would
remind me that I'm not even close! I've read this plenty of times and yet still
it rarely comes to mind when I'm in the mental stress that only Christ can rescue me
from.
Saturday was a reminder. Saturday I had one of those days where I have nothing to do so I try to find something to do. (I'm sure every single woman goes through this.) I went to bath and body works for some of their latest body wash, bought my niece a gift card and went grocery shopping. Even in my blessed moment I didn't find a reason to be appreciative naturally. There was something missing. There must be something missing when you can't naturally be joyful about having the opportunity to go shopping and be a blessing to someone. This was my first weekend alone. I tried to enjoy it. I almost ruined shopping with thoughts of being alone. Where is a man when you need him I thought? When will he call me? He finally did and when he did we watched a movie together over the phone for 3 hours. I eventually almost ruined the moment I longed for with talks of old relationship issues that weren't worth discussions. I always had this view towards roommates; That if something is small its not worth a discussion. If something is old, its not worth a discussion either. I almost ruined a new day and if a day is new isn't it worth savoring? Savoring or enjoying like the new shoes we get at the store for the first time or like the new outfit we longed to have and finally wore it...once? I read in the bible once that we are to renew our minds DAILY. ReNEW like yesterday's mindset should be tossed out the window and today it must be recharged and refreshed? Out with the old, in with the new! Why can't I do the same with someone I love? Someone who willingly lets me say anything and everything that is on my mind? I guess there must come boundaries with that even. Anyway, the night goes by and I'm once again alone. No one, just me and God. I try so hard to let His words of comfort resonate in my heart and for a little while I can handle lonely.
The next day....Sunday church service is in a couple of hours and the only thing I can think of is to call this man. My mind already starts off on this brand new day with wanting company. Like the saying goes misery loves company. I don’t feel like getting out of bed. If I'm so "lonely" why can't I look forward to going to church to be around people who will gladly encourage my security in Christ? My other flaw: Laziness kicks in. I’m not really tired but too lazy to get up, get ready and head out for church...trying not to ruin the blessing that comes with having an apartment. I don’t wake up lacking the basics but I’m an ingrate in doing something small like taking care of my hygiene. God reminds me I need to make time for this and how I should embrace it. I remind myself how blessed I am to have a shower and a toilette to use in the morning. Is the enemy really trying to destroy me in my loneliness that I can't even value using what people around the world would dream to have? It can't be that bad, but getting out of your comfort zone in the morning is. This is my problem! I'm 27 and can't even get out of my comfort zone; my comfort zone of occasionally being “lonely” to be where I know I need to be…Grateful as a single (enjoying these moments alone in peace with less responsibility as a woman). I guess Christ is trying to use me in my singleness but I will easily ruin this chapter in life without realizing it if I'm not careful. Someone once said sin is what causes us to be ungrateful. If this is true then I'm 9 times out of ten being ungrateful. Does that make being grateful something that must be practiced daily? Something that must be intentional?
Church was good. The pastor talked about faith and that's great...but what really set with me were the words: “Your faith is your shield. If you lose it, don't replace it with something less valuable for the moment.” That was nicely put. I try to relate…faith is truth in Christ while man is my substitute for what I have lost. Man who only have so many hours in a day to give me of his own. This was my truth to aid in renewing my mind for the day...
I'm done with church and done praying but where is this man that I long to talk to? I sent him a text but he wasn't available until later...like a whole 6 hours later. I waited around for him to call. Once we talked all I could do was ruin that conversation I longed for by questioning why it took so long for him to call and maybe we should decide not to expect to talk so much. He mentions, "This is why I need to be in church." Was I causing drama again? I did exactly what he expected me to do. I ruined the conversation he didn't want to have. I was watching the Kardashians later that day and something hit me. Kris was being pushed away by her husband because she always caused drama in his life. He wanted companionship but he wanted it with someone who wasn't going to nag him all day. He did just that and went golfing with another woman. Why am I slowly learning lessons in marriage before marriage? I don't want my future husband to feel like he can't talk to me and find companionship in another woman who will gladly treat him with respect. I guess when you pray about being complete, Christ focuses on teaching you things that prepares you for that next phase in your life.
My present trial is deeper than not getting a phone call in a day. It’s realizing that my dependency is on man and not on God. Sometimes you gotta be real with yourself to deal with the issues that follow the flaw. I mean just this morning I was in prayer on my way to work and he called me. He finally calls I thought. I'm a bit excited but trying not to be. I immediately stopped praying and answered his call except his call was accidental. "Hello? Hello?" I call him back and he doesn't answer. Still haven't talked to him at all. This is exactly what God is trying to teach me. I put God second all the time. I put Him second when He deserves to be first. Isn't waiting what God calls us to do in patience? But as I wait what do I do? Why can't I appreciate having the opportunity to wait in my "loneliness"? The bible says that "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." The concept of being hopeful means that I am in wait for something. What am I waiting for? I'm waiting for what I long to have and when I get it will I savor it? Or will I ruin it like the last conversation I longed for? As I type I'm learning that my focus should be to gain strength. Strength doesn't come without going through pain and suffering and Christ calls us to be LONG suffering in LOVE. 1 Corinthians 13:4. This is where I realize that I'm operating out of selfishness instead of love because love will call me to suffer long and endure in order to love right.
These are those moments that I cannot stand! Why can't I feel complete with who I am today? Why can't I feel complete with enjoying talking to a man in a day? I do recall a prayer I made to God: Let your will be done and let my life be full and complete. (My prayer that followed a reading of James 1 by the way) All these little things here and there are a part of a completion process that only Christ can do if I let him. When someone doesn't call you back will you be in that waiting, HOPEFUL, patient mindset that gives you peace as you wait? Hope never disappoints us. (Romans 5:5) When you are in that phase in your life that feels like its been TOO long will you savor each NEW day like that new pair of shoes? Each day for us is like ONE second to God. It goes by so fast and the enemy wants us to see the waiting period as undesirable. Yet, once we get what we desire we realize its not exactly what we needed for long term fulfillment. We can lie to ourselves and believe that we shouldn't be grateful for where we are when where we are is the very place that God is using to complete us.
Saturday was a reminder. Saturday I had one of those days where I have nothing to do so I try to find something to do. (I'm sure every single woman goes through this.) I went to bath and body works for some of their latest body wash, bought my niece a gift card and went grocery shopping. Even in my blessed moment I didn't find a reason to be appreciative naturally. There was something missing. There must be something missing when you can't naturally be joyful about having the opportunity to go shopping and be a blessing to someone. This was my first weekend alone. I tried to enjoy it. I almost ruined shopping with thoughts of being alone. Where is a man when you need him I thought? When will he call me? He finally did and when he did we watched a movie together over the phone for 3 hours. I eventually almost ruined the moment I longed for with talks of old relationship issues that weren't worth discussions. I always had this view towards roommates; That if something is small its not worth a discussion. If something is old, its not worth a discussion either. I almost ruined a new day and if a day is new isn't it worth savoring? Savoring or enjoying like the new shoes we get at the store for the first time or like the new outfit we longed to have and finally wore it...once? I read in the bible once that we are to renew our minds DAILY. ReNEW like yesterday's mindset should be tossed out the window and today it must be recharged and refreshed? Out with the old, in with the new! Why can't I do the same with someone I love? Someone who willingly lets me say anything and everything that is on my mind? I guess there must come boundaries with that even. Anyway, the night goes by and I'm once again alone. No one, just me and God. I try so hard to let His words of comfort resonate in my heart and for a little while I can handle lonely.
The next day....Sunday church service is in a couple of hours and the only thing I can think of is to call this man. My mind already starts off on this brand new day with wanting company. Like the saying goes misery loves company. I don’t feel like getting out of bed. If I'm so "lonely" why can't I look forward to going to church to be around people who will gladly encourage my security in Christ? My other flaw: Laziness kicks in. I’m not really tired but too lazy to get up, get ready and head out for church...trying not to ruin the blessing that comes with having an apartment. I don’t wake up lacking the basics but I’m an ingrate in doing something small like taking care of my hygiene. God reminds me I need to make time for this and how I should embrace it. I remind myself how blessed I am to have a shower and a toilette to use in the morning. Is the enemy really trying to destroy me in my loneliness that I can't even value using what people around the world would dream to have? It can't be that bad, but getting out of your comfort zone in the morning is. This is my problem! I'm 27 and can't even get out of my comfort zone; my comfort zone of occasionally being “lonely” to be where I know I need to be…Grateful as a single (enjoying these moments alone in peace with less responsibility as a woman). I guess Christ is trying to use me in my singleness but I will easily ruin this chapter in life without realizing it if I'm not careful. Someone once said sin is what causes us to be ungrateful. If this is true then I'm 9 times out of ten being ungrateful. Does that make being grateful something that must be practiced daily? Something that must be intentional?
Church was good. The pastor talked about faith and that's great...but what really set with me were the words: “Your faith is your shield. If you lose it, don't replace it with something less valuable for the moment.” That was nicely put. I try to relate…faith is truth in Christ while man is my substitute for what I have lost. Man who only have so many hours in a day to give me of his own. This was my truth to aid in renewing my mind for the day...
I'm done with church and done praying but where is this man that I long to talk to? I sent him a text but he wasn't available until later...like a whole 6 hours later. I waited around for him to call. Once we talked all I could do was ruin that conversation I longed for by questioning why it took so long for him to call and maybe we should decide not to expect to talk so much. He mentions, "This is why I need to be in church." Was I causing drama again? I did exactly what he expected me to do. I ruined the conversation he didn't want to have. I was watching the Kardashians later that day and something hit me. Kris was being pushed away by her husband because she always caused drama in his life. He wanted companionship but he wanted it with someone who wasn't going to nag him all day. He did just that and went golfing with another woman. Why am I slowly learning lessons in marriage before marriage? I don't want my future husband to feel like he can't talk to me and find companionship in another woman who will gladly treat him with respect. I guess when you pray about being complete, Christ focuses on teaching you things that prepares you for that next phase in your life.
My present trial is deeper than not getting a phone call in a day. It’s realizing that my dependency is on man and not on God. Sometimes you gotta be real with yourself to deal with the issues that follow the flaw. I mean just this morning I was in prayer on my way to work and he called me. He finally calls I thought. I'm a bit excited but trying not to be. I immediately stopped praying and answered his call except his call was accidental. "Hello? Hello?" I call him back and he doesn't answer. Still haven't talked to him at all. This is exactly what God is trying to teach me. I put God second all the time. I put Him second when He deserves to be first. Isn't waiting what God calls us to do in patience? But as I wait what do I do? Why can't I appreciate having the opportunity to wait in my "loneliness"? The bible says that "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." The concept of being hopeful means that I am in wait for something. What am I waiting for? I'm waiting for what I long to have and when I get it will I savor it? Or will I ruin it like the last conversation I longed for? As I type I'm learning that my focus should be to gain strength. Strength doesn't come without going through pain and suffering and Christ calls us to be LONG suffering in LOVE. 1 Corinthians 13:4. This is where I realize that I'm operating out of selfishness instead of love because love will call me to suffer long and endure in order to love right.
These are those moments that I cannot stand! Why can't I feel complete with who I am today? Why can't I feel complete with enjoying talking to a man in a day? I do recall a prayer I made to God: Let your will be done and let my life be full and complete. (My prayer that followed a reading of James 1 by the way) All these little things here and there are a part of a completion process that only Christ can do if I let him. When someone doesn't call you back will you be in that waiting, HOPEFUL, patient mindset that gives you peace as you wait? Hope never disappoints us. (Romans 5:5) When you are in that phase in your life that feels like its been TOO long will you savor each NEW day like that new pair of shoes? Each day for us is like ONE second to God. It goes by so fast and the enemy wants us to see the waiting period as undesirable. Yet, once we get what we desire we realize its not exactly what we needed for long term fulfillment. We can lie to ourselves and believe that we shouldn't be grateful for where we are when where we are is the very place that God is using to complete us.
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